Leeds Utd opinion - Survival checklist for the Premier League: Daniel Farke, Illan Meslier and more

Sports News Blitz has an array of Leeds United fans still recovering from an Easter Monday to remember as they secured automatic promotion to the Premier League.

Leeds boss Daniel Farke has once again proved he is the man when it comes to reaching England’s top tier - but keeping the Whites up there is the biggest challenge.

Here, Sports News Blitz’s betting guru and resident Leeds Utd fan George Dempsey takes a break from slam-dunking NBA tips and gives his take on his team’s glorious return to the top table of English football.

Firing up the celebrations

Daniel Farke promised he’d celebrate like a “fire beast” when Leeds United were promoted. 

We’re not exactly sure what that entails, but let’s imagine his glorious German mane has been drenched in pyros, launched pints, and the finest Cellino marching powder that Harehills has to offer.

If promotion was the party, surviving the real fire-breathing beasts of the Premier League will be the hangover on Sunday - full of headaches, vomit-inducing moments, and more rearranged kick-offs because Leeds are massive in any league.

The goal now? Don’t be Ipswich. Don’t be Leicester. And certainly don’t be Southampton, who have resembled a drunken pub team trying to play out from the back.

It’s about righting the wrongs of the previous administration, embracing the ‘us against them because everyone hates us’ mentality that fits Leeds so well.

Above all, it’s about making sure that soggy piece of ham that stinks out the dugout at Bramall Lane doesn’t get his moment when the Whites are relegated next May.

How do Leeds United survive the Premier League?

The summer can go one of two ways, but the first step is deciding who you want in charge and what you want your footballing identity to look like.

Is it Farke, the fire-breathing beast with a Championship medal in each paw, or do you roll the dice on someone who’s won matches in the Premier League? 

You know, the terrifying realm where you don’t get to play “football fans” pretending to be managers.

It sounds harsh, but questioning Farke’s top-flight credentials and deciding early if you want to go in a different direction is something the board will have to seriously consider. 

That said, Norwich were - and this is a technical term - utter sh*t.

They’re the best example you’ll ever see of a Grand Canyon-sized gap between the Premier League and the Championship, and Delia Smith asked poor Daniel to manage it on a child’s birthday party budget.

If you decide that Farke is not the man for the job, that’s fine. Make the decision as soon as possible. 

Shake his hand, pat him on the back, thank him for burning everything in his path and let him ride off on his horse into the Yorkshire sunset, only to resurface from his slumber and win the league with Wrexham a year from now.

Otherwise, you’ll be stuck with Gary O’Neil charging down the touchline in an oversized coat, trying to rescue another team with 25% possession.

And if you want the league to hate you more than they already do - and that’s a lot - then you appoint Jose Mourinho immediately.

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Leeds United’s Premier League survival checklist

We’ve touched on finding an identity, as well as picking the right manager to let it flourish. 

But what else can Leeds do to survive?

Step one: Make sure Elland Road is a fortress. The South Stand needs to be noisy, intimidating, aggressive, and as unhinged as this piece. 

Hurry up and expand the stadium so away teams feel like traitors thrown to the gladiators.

Step two: Sign a goalkeeper so Illan Meslier isn’t the number one.

Step three: Sign a backup right-back so we don’t have to watch Sam Byram hobble after Jeremy Doku, get Pascal Struijk to stop switching off like a dodgy Sky box, and sign at least two other defenders who aren’t Austrian, Danish or German, and who have never heard of Victor Orta.

Step four: Keep Ethan Ampadu, protect AO Tanaka at all costs - or at least until Brighton sign him for £50 million next summer - and sign a number 10 because Rodri will eat Brendan Aaronson alive.

Step five: Sign another goalkeeper so Illan Meslier isn’t the number two.

Step six: Get a functioning midfield b*stard. He can run, tackle, foul, shout, intimidate the referees into giving you decisions and set the tone for the game.

Above all, he can square up to James Maddison and say, “If you do that stupid little celebration here, I’ll snap your throwing arm.”

Step seven: Turn Joel Piroe into a Premier League striker. 

It’s fine to exist on the pitch for 89 minutes like a handsome mannequin, then punish some Championship clogger’s mistake to add to your goal tally, but he’s gonna need a pre-match Red Bull in the best league in the world.

Step eight: Sell Illan Meslier to Plymouth Argyle.

Step nine: Be ambitious in the transfer market. There needs to be at least one marquee signing amid the £150m plus spend.

No one has pulled the trigger on Jonathan David, who guarantees at least 15 goal involvements. 

Ademola Lookman isn’t anyone's first choice, and Dusan Vlahovic will jump at a big Premier League paycheck if Leeds do stick Thiago Motta in the dugout.

Final step: Stay up and gloat about it all summer. Laugh at Everton finally slipping through the trapdoor in a half-empty FIFA stadium.

Continue to laugh at ham face even though he was sacked six months ago. 

Consolidate in year two, reach Europe in year three, win the Champions League in year four, and burn down the new stadium in year five because the club’s name has been changed to Red Bull Leeds.

Above all, whatever happens, just keep being edgy and unbearable, and enjoy the ride.

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